Surviving in an undead world: Tips on how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse.

lolwtf?! What? Zombies you ask? How in the hell…. Well, a lot of people are hyped up about a recent article published by the CDC. It appears that the CDC has finally acknowledged the existence of the undead. Oh no! Zombies! Never fear friends. This article will contain everything you need to know about surviving hoard after hoard of the undead plague.

Zombies. What are they? According to pop culture, they are the dead brought back to life. Some are raised by the solarium virus, others by an unknown agent. But one things remains the same throughout the world of zombies. They are dead, they are walking, they are hungry, and they want you. Let’s take a look at the anatomy of a zombie. At first glance, zombies appear to be your average shuffling, moaning, bloody mess. Luckily, that is only on the surface. Let’s start from the head down. The brain of a zombie is…. dead. Kind of. Primitive rat brain functions seem to be present. Allowing for some form of motor functions and coordination. Their eyes can’t actually see things, but they seem to be able to pick up on light. Hearing seems to have remain intact, because as you all know, one loud noise, and you’ve got a hoard of hungry zombies on your tail. The only noise they are able to make, is a low grunting, or moaning sound. They don’t appear to breath. This has been discovered by seeing zombies walking underwater. Digestive wise, they don’t appear to actually need food. This seems to be the virus having a clever way to spread its self around. They can’t walk faster than a slow, shuffling stumble. They also can’t climb things, ride things, or jump things.

Now that you know your enemy, it’s time to learn about surviving in a world full of them. You walk outside. You light a cigarette, thinking everything is okay…. until you spot a zombie! Oh no! What to do?! Well first…. make sure it’s really a zombie. You don’t want to go killing an innocent person, just because you are a little jumpy. Use the paragraph above to help you identify zombies. Once identified, you want to make a decision. Do you want to go in for the kill, and risk infection? Or just run like hell? For the sake of this post, we will choose the former. You want to make sure you get a nice blunt object. Something that won’t break easily, when bashed into a skull. Once you have your object of chose, AIM FOR THE HEAD. Swing as hard as you can, and make SURE you crack open the skull, and destroy the brain. This is the only way to kill a zombie. Alternatively, if you have a gun, just shoot it in the head. But be aware, one gun shot could lead to more zombies. So choose wisely.

Well, what if that does happen? Will you be prepared to get out of dodge, to a safer place? Probably not, but that’s what I’m here for. First and foremost, you are going to need a bug out bag. A bug out bag consists of supplies to keep you alive for three days. Food, water, extra clothing, flashlights, batteries, an IFAK (individual first aid kit), and other sundry items that you might need. You might also want to build a little fishing kit, just in case. If you already have one of these, you are way ahead of the curve. Most people don’t even think about this at all. Next, you need to figure out if you wan to bug in, or bug out. If you chose the former, you will need to have supplies. Stocks of food to last you as long as you think the outbreak will last, water, weapons, and things to keep you occupied. If you plan to bug out, you will need a good location. Your bug out location will essentially be a bug in location once you get there, so the same rules apply. Your bug out location needs to be secluded, and far away from areas of high population. It will also need fertile land, because you will need to have a garden at some point to supplement your supplies. Once you reach your BOL, you will need to do a few house keeping chores. Board up windows from the inside, with closed curtains in front. This way, everything looks normal to people passing by. Don’t think they won’t, because they will. Gangs of ruthless thugs, out to take what they want, are a constant hazard. More so than actual zombies. So the goal is to keep your location low key, and as invisible as possible. At night, you will want to practice light discipline. Keeping lights off, makes you invisible at night. You will also need to practice noise discipline. Your days should be filled with tending your garden, keeping quiet, constant perimeter patrols, burning of corpses, and minimum food intake. But you don’t want to neglect fun. Fun will keep insanity at bay. The last thing you want to do, is go insane in the middle of the zombie apocalypse…. Eventually, you will need to find a way to generate power. There are numerous ways to do this. Some are easy, some are very complex and time consuming. Same goes for filtering water. You will eventually run out of stored water if the outbreak lasts long enough.

Now, what happens after a while? How will you know what’s going on in the world? How will you find out if it’s safe to return home? You will need to send out a small search party. They will have to travel on foot, and try to make it back alive with news. You will need to set a date when they should return. If they don’t return by that date, assume they are dead. Under no circumstances, should you go look for them. They knew the risks involved when they accepted the task. But Cody, if they die, how will we get news? Simple. You wait. After some time has passed, you send out another party. Same rules apply. If they don’t return, the only thing left to do is go with your remaining members, and hope for the best. But be aware, when you return home, you may not have a home left. Bandits, raiders, thugs, etc etc will probably have trashed your house. Squatters will probably have ruined it even further. Once it’s all over, it’s time to start rebuilding your life.

In closing, you need to remember a few things.

1. Have a bug out bag ready at all times. It’s the bare minimum, and should be in everyone’s house.

2. Have a solid bug in, or bug out plan. This is crucial to your survival.

3. Don’t go looking for zombies. Only engage the ones in your way. You are only asking for trouble if you do otherwise.

4. Don’t engage bandits, raiders, or squatters. The only reason to do so, is if they present an immediate threat to you, your party, your property, or your supplies.

5. Don’t rely on gas powered vehicles. They will only get you so far. Stay on foot.

6. Wear tighter clothing, and keep your hair short. Zombies can’t grab what isn’t there.

7. Keep your food intake and work load balanced. Never do more work than calories available.

8. Dispose of all corpses. Just burn them. They present a health hazard to everyone.

9, Keep human waste far away from your garden. This one is pretty obvious.

10. Be sure to have fun. You can’t stay sane if you don’t, and you can’t survive if you aren’t in your right mind.

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