Poll: Which zombie virus is most likely to occur?

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Surviving in an undead world: Tips on how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse.

lolwtf?! What? Zombies you ask? How in the hell…. Well, a lot of people are hyped up about a recent article published by the CDC. It appears that the CDC has finally acknowledged the existence of the undead. Oh no! Zombies! Never fear friends. This article will contain everything you need to know about surviving hoard after hoard of the undead plague.

Zombies. What are they? According to pop culture, they are the dead brought back to life. Some are raised by the solarium virus, others by an unknown agent. But one things remains the same throughout the world of zombies. They are dead, they are walking, they are hungry, and they want you. Let’s take a look at the anatomy of a zombie. At first glance, zombies appear to be your average shuffling, moaning, bloody mess. Luckily, that is only on the surface. Let’s start from the head down. The brain of a zombie is…. dead. Kind of. Primitive rat brain functions seem to be present. Allowing for some form of motor functions and coordination. Their eyes can’t actually see things, but they seem to be able to pick up on light. Hearing seems to have remain intact, because as you all know, one loud noise, and you’ve got a hoard of hungry zombies on your tail. The only noise they are able to make, is a low grunting, or moaning sound. They don’t appear to breath. This has been discovered by seeing zombies walking underwater. Digestive wise, they don’t appear to actually need food. This seems to be the virus having a clever way to spread its self around. They can’t walk faster than a slow, shuffling stumble. They also can’t climb things, ride things, or jump things.

Now that you know your enemy, it’s time to learn about surviving in a world full of them. You walk outside. You light a cigarette, thinking everything is okay…. until you spot a zombie! Oh no! What to do?! Well first…. make sure it’s really a zombie. You don’t want to go killing an innocent person, just because you are a little jumpy. Use the paragraph above to help you identify zombies. Once identified, you want to make a decision. Do you want to go in for the kill, and risk infection? Or just run like hell? For the sake of this post, we will choose the former. You want to make sure you get a nice blunt object. Something that won’t break easily, when bashed into a skull. Once you have your object of chose, AIM FOR THE HEAD. Swing as hard as you can, and make SURE you crack open the skull, and destroy the brain. This is the only way to kill a zombie. Alternatively, if you have a gun, just shoot it in the head. But be aware, one gun shot could lead to more zombies. So choose wisely.

Well, what if that does happen? Will you be prepared to get out of dodge, to a safer place? Probably not, but that’s what I’m here for. First and foremost, you are going to need a bug out bag. A bug out bag consists of supplies to keep you alive for three days. Food, water, extra clothing, flashlights, batteries, an IFAK (individual first aid kit), and other sundry items that you might need. You might also want to build a little fishing kit, just in case. If you already have one of these, you are way ahead of the curve. Most people don’t even think about this at all. Next, you need to figure out if you wan to bug in, or bug out. If you chose the former, you will need to have supplies. Stocks of food to last you as long as you think the outbreak will last, water, weapons, and things to keep you occupied. If you plan to bug out, you will need a good location. Your bug out location will essentially be a bug in location once you get there, so the same rules apply. Your bug out location needs to be secluded, and far away from areas of high population. It will also need fertile land, because you will need to have a garden at some point to supplement your supplies. Once you reach your BOL, you will need to do a few house keeping chores. Board up windows from the inside, with closed curtains in front. This way, everything looks normal to people passing by. Don’t think they won’t, because they will. Gangs of ruthless thugs, out to take what they want, are a constant hazard. More so than actual zombies. So the goal is to keep your location low key, and as invisible as possible. At night, you will want to practice light discipline. Keeping lights off, makes you invisible at night. You will also need to practice noise discipline. Your days should be filled with tending your garden, keeping quiet, constant perimeter patrols, burning of corpses, and minimum food intake. But you don’t want to neglect fun. Fun will keep insanity at bay. The last thing you want to do, is go insane in the middle of the zombie apocalypse…. Eventually, you will need to find a way to generate power. There are numerous ways to do this. Some are easy, some are very complex and time consuming. Same goes for filtering water. You will eventually run out of stored water if the outbreak lasts long enough.

Now, what happens after a while? How will you know what’s going on in the world? How will you find out if it’s safe to return home? You will need to send out a small search party. They will have to travel on foot, and try to make it back alive with news. You will need to set a date when they should return. If they don’t return by that date, assume they are dead. Under no circumstances, should you go look for them. They knew the risks involved when they accepted the task. But Cody, if they die, how will we get news? Simple. You wait. After some time has passed, you send out another party. Same rules apply. If they don’t return, the only thing left to do is go with your remaining members, and hope for the best. But be aware, when you return home, you may not have a home left. Bandits, raiders, thugs, etc etc will probably have trashed your house. Squatters will probably have ruined it even further. Once it’s all over, it’s time to start rebuilding your life.

In closing, you need to remember a few things.

1. Have a bug out bag ready at all times. It’s the bare minimum, and should be in everyone’s house.

2. Have a solid bug in, or bug out plan. This is crucial to your survival.

3. Don’t go looking for zombies. Only engage the ones in your way. You are only asking for trouble if you do otherwise.

4. Don’t engage bandits, raiders, or squatters. The only reason to do so, is if they present an immediate threat to you, your party, your property, or your supplies.

5. Don’t rely on gas powered vehicles. They will only get you so far. Stay on foot.

6. Wear tighter clothing, and keep your hair short. Zombies can’t grab what isn’t there.

7. Keep your food intake and work load balanced. Never do more work than calories available.

8. Dispose of all corpses. Just burn them. They present a health hazard to everyone.

9, Keep human waste far away from your garden. This one is pretty obvious.

10. Be sure to have fun. You can’t stay sane if you don’t, and you can’t survive if you aren’t in your right mind.

Vampires vs Zombies: A comparative history

After watching the season finale of Deadliest Warrior, I couldn’t help but think WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! So I decided to write an article comparing the histories of vampires and zombies. If you haven’t figured this out already, I’m a zombie fan. Anyway, enjoy!

The vampire, and its humble beginnings.

Alright… not so humble. More on the complex side, but interesting nonetheless. Many cultures possess revenant superstitions comparable to the Eastern European vampires, but the Slavic vampire is the revenant superstition that pervades popular culture’s concept of the vampire. The roots of  vampire belief in Slavic culture are based to extent in the spiritual beliefs and practices of pre-Christianized Slavic peoples and their understanding of life after death. So, for the sake of time, I will only cover things related to the Slavic people, and their beliefs about vampirism. Some examples:

1. Dec0mposition: People sometimes suspected vampirism when a corpse did not look as they thought a normal corpse should when disinterred.

2. Premature burial: It has also been hypothesized that vampire legends were influenced by individuals being buried alivebecause of shortcomings in the medical knowledge of the time. In some cases in which people reported sounds emanating from a specific coffin, it was later dug up and fingernail marks were discovered on the inside from the victim trying to escape. In other cases the person would hit their heads, noses or faces and it would appear that they had been “feeding.”

3. Contagion: Vampirism has been associated with clusters of deaths from an unidentifiable or mysterious illnesses. Tuberculosis and the pneumonic form of the bubonic plague.

4. Porphyria: In 1985 biochemist David Dolphin proposed a link between the rare blood disorder porphyria and vampire folklore. Noting that the condition is treated by intravenous haem, he suggested that the consumption of large amounts of blood may result in haem being transported somehow across the stomach wall and into the bloodstream. Thus vampires were merely sufferers of porphyria seeking to replace haem and alleviate their symptoms. (I’m not getting too in depth with this example.)

The vampire gets a face lift. Enter Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’.

Obviously, you don’t think I’m going to deconstruct the themes, motifs, and symbols form this novel, but clearly you don’t know me.

Themes

The consequences of modernity

Early in the novel, as Harker becomes uncomfortable with his lodgings and his host at Castle Dracula, he notes that “unless my senses deceive me, the old centuries had, and have, powers of their own which mere ‘modernity’ cannot kill.” Here, Harker voices one of the central concerns of the Victorian era. The end of the nineteenth century brought drastic developments that forced English society to question the systems of belief that had governed it for centuries. Darwin’s theory of evolution, for instance, called the validity of long-held sacred religious doctrines into question. Likewise, the Industrial Revolution brought profound economic and social change to the previously agrarian England.

Though Stoker begins his novel in a ruined castle—a traditional Gothic setting—he soon moves the action to Victorian London, where the advancements of modernity are largely responsible for the ease with which the count preys upon English society. When Lucy falls victim to Dracula’s spell, neither Mina nor Dr. Seward—both devotees of modern advancements—are equipped even to guess at the cause of Lucy’s predicament. Only Van Helsing, whose facility with modern medical techniques is tempered with open-mindedness about ancient legends and non-Western folk remedies, comes close to understanding Lucy’s affliction.

In Chapter XVII, when Van Helsing warns Seward that “to rid the earth of this terrible monster we must have all the knowledge and all the help which we can get,” he literally means all the knowledge. Van Helsing works not only to understand modern Western methods, but to incorporate the ancient and foreign schools of thought that the modern West dismisses. “It is the fault of our science,” he says, “that it wants to explain all; and if it explain not, then it says there is nothing to explain.” Here, Van Helsing points to the dire consequences of subscribing only to contemporary currents of thought. Without an understanding of history—indeed, without different understandings of history—the world is left terribly vulnerable when history inevitably repeats itself.

 

The threat of female sexual expression

Most critics agree that Dracula is, as much as anything else, a novel that indulges the Victorian male imagination, particularly regarding the topic of female sexuality. In Victorian England, women’s sexual behavior was dictated by society’s extremely rigid expectations. A Victorian woman effectively had only two options: she was either a virgin—a model of purity and innocence—or else she was a wife and mother. If she was neither of these, she was considered a whore, and thus of no consequence to society.

By the time Dracula lands in England and begins to work his evil magic on Lucy Westenra, we understand that the impending battle between good and evil will hinge upon female sexuality. Both Lucy and Mina are less like real people than two-dimensional embodiments of virtues that have, over the ages, been coded as female. Both women are chaste, pure, innocent of the world’s evils, and devoted to their men. But Dracula threatens to turn the two women into their opposites, into women noted for their voluptuousness—a word Stoker turns to again and again—and unapologetically open sexual desire.

Dracula succeeds in transforming Lucy, and once she becomes a raving vampire vixen, Van Helsing’s men see no other option than to destroy her, in order to return her to a purer, more socially respectable state. After Lucy’s transformation, the men keep a careful eye on Mina, worried they will lose yet another model of Victorian womanhood to the dark side. The men are so intensely invested in the women’s sexual behavior because they are afraid of associating with the socially scorned. In fact, the men fear for nothing less than their own safety. Late in the novel, Dracula mocks Van Helsing’s crew, saying, “Your girls that you all love are mine already; and through them you and others shall yet be mine.” Here, the count voices a male fantasy that has existed since Adam and Eve were turned out of Eden: namely, that women’s ungovernable desires leave men poised for a costly fall from grace.

 

The promise of Christian Salvation

The folk legends and traditions Van Helsing draws upon suggest that the most effective weapons in combating supernatural evil are symbols of unearthly good. Indeed, in the fight against Dracula, these symbols of good take the form of the icons of Christian faith, such as the crucifix. The novel is so invested in the strength and power of these Christian symbols that it reads, at times, like a propagandistic Christian promise of salvation.

Dracula, practically as old as religion itself, stands as a satanic figure, most obviously in his appearance—pointed ears, fangs, and flaming eyes—but also in his consumption of blood. Dracula’s bloodthirstiness is a perversion of Christian ritual, as it extends his physical life but cuts him off from any form of spiritual existence. Those who fall under the count’s spell, including Lucy Westenra and the three “weird sisters,” find themselves cursed with physical life that is eternal but soulless. Stoker takes pains to emphasize the consequences of these women’s destruction.

Though they have preyed on helpless children and have sought to bring others into their awful brood, each of the women meets a death that conforms to the Christian promise of salvation. The undead Lucy, for instance, is transformed by her second death into a vision of “unequalled sweetness and purity,” and her soul is returned to her, as is a “holy calm” that “was to reign for ever.” Even the face of Dracula himself assumes “a look of peace, such as [Mina] never could have imagined might have rested there.” Stoker presents a particularly liberal vision of salvation in his implication that the saved need not necessarily be believers. In Dracula, all of the dead are granted the unparalleled peace of salvation—only the “Un-Dead” are barred from it.

Now time for the motifs!

Blood

Blood functions in many ways in the novel. Its first mention, in Chapter III, comes when the count tells Harker that “blood is too precious a thing in these days of dishonorable peace; and the -glories of the great races are as a tale that is told.” The count proudly recounts his family history, relating blood to one’s ancestry—to the “great races” that have, in Dracula’s view, withered. The count foretells the coming of a war between lineages: between the East and the West, the ancient and the modern, and the evil and the good.

Later, the depictions of Dracula and his minions feeding on blood suggest the exchange of bodily fluids associated with sexual intercourse: Lucy is “drained” to the point of nearly passing out after the count penetrates her. The vampires’ drinking of blood echoes the Christian rite of Communion, but in a perverted sense. Rather than gain eternal spiritual life by consuming wine that has been blessed to symbolize Christ’s blood, Dracula drinks actual human blood in order to extend his physical—but quite soulless—life. The importance of blood in Christian mythology elevates the battle between Van Helsing’s warriors and the count to the significance of a holy war or crusade.

 

Science and superstition

We notice the stamp of modernity almost immediately when the focus of the novel shifts to England. Dr. Seward records his diary on a phonograph, Mina Murray practices typewriting on a newfangled machine, and so on. Indeed, the whole of England seems willing to walk into a future of progress and advancement. While the peasants of Transylvania busily bless one another against the evil eye at their roadside shrines, Mr. Swales, the poor Englishman whom Lucy and Mina meet in the Whitby cemetery, has no patience for such unfounded superstitions as ghosts and monsters. The threat Dracula poses to London hinges, in large part, on the advance of modernity. Advances in science have caused the English to dismiss the reality of the very superstitions, such as Dracula, that seek to undo their society. Van Helsing bridges this divide: equipped with the unique knowledge of both the East and the West, he represents the best hope of understanding the incomprehensible and ridding the world of evil.

 

Christian Iconography

The icons of Christian, and particularly Catholic, worship appear throughout the novel with great frequency. In the early chapters, the peasants of Eastern Europe offer Jonathan Harker crucifixes to steel him against the malevolence that awaits him. Later, Van Helsing arrives armed with crosses and Communion wafers. The frequency with which Stoker returns to these images frames Van Helsing’s mission as an explicitly religious one. He is, as he says near the end of the novel, nothing less than a “minister of God’s own wish.”

Symbols

The weird sisters

The three beautiful vampires Harker encounters in Dracula’s castle are both his dream and his nightmare—indeed, they embody both the dream and the nightmare of the Victorian male imagination in general. The sisters represent what the Victorian ideal stipulates women should not be—voluptuous and sexually aggressive—thus making their beauty both a promise of sexual fulfillment and a curse. These women offer Harker more sexual gratification in two paragraphs than his fiancée Mina does during the course of the entire novel. However, this sexual proficiency threatens to undermine the foundations of a male-dominated society by compromising men’s ability to reason and maintain control. For this reason, the sexually aggressive women in the novel must be destroyed.

 

The stake driven through Lucy’s heart

Arthur Holmwood buries a stake deep in Lucy’s heart in order to kill the demon she has become and to return her to the state of purity and innocence he so values. The language with which Stoker describes this violent act is unmistakably sexual, and the stake is an unambiguous symbol for the penis. In this way, it is fitting that the blow comes from Lucy’s fiancé, Arthur Holmwood: Lucy is being punished not only for being a vampire, but also for being available to the vampire’s seduction—Dracula, we recall, only has the power to attack willing victims. When Holmwood slays the demonic Lucy, he returns her to the role of a legitimate, monogamous lover, which reinvests his fiancée with her initial Victorian virtue.

 

The Czarina Catherine

The Czarina Catherine is the name of the ship in which Dracula flees England and journeys back to his homeland. The name of ship is taken from the Russian empress who was notorious for her -promiscuity. This reference is particularly suggestive of the threat that hangs over Mina Harker’s head: should Van Helsing and his men fail, she will be transformed into the same creature of appetites as Lucy.

 

The idea of the vampire changed. Even though Dracula was inspired by Vlad the Impaler, Bram introduced a new side to the idea of the vampire. This novel was also a very good commentary on relevant culture at the time.

 

The modern day vampire

The modern day vampire is a complete 180 from historical examples. I really don’t need to go into detail with this, because I’m sure you all have seen examples of modern vampires. Blade, Underworld, Day Walkers, 30 Days of Night, etc etc.

 

In closing on vampires

Vampires have interesting origins. The only thing I can really say to sum all of this up is, they had a good start, and a goddamn gay ending. Thank you, Stephanie Myer. Thank you for fucking it all up for the rest of us.

 

NOW, WHAT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!

Zombies, unlike vampires, haven’t really changed that much over the years. Since their religious origins, they have undergone two changes. Only one of these changes actually changed the perception of zombies throughout the world.

 

West African Vodun

Two types of zombies exist under this religion. The zombi astral, and the plain ‘ole zombie. The regular zombie, is just a dead person who is now under the control of a bokor (sorcerer). The zombi astral is believed to be a piece of the soul, captured by the bokor, and used to enhance the bokor’s powers. These would normally be kept in bottles, and sold to people for luck. Also, under Voudo beliefs, feeding a zombie salt will make it return to the grave.

 

Haitian Vodou

The one you all know about. I may not have to go into detail here, but I guess I’ll give you something to work with. The main thing to focus on here, is the ‘zombie powder’ that can be used to temporarily turn someone into a zombie. Wade Davis, from Harvard university, was able to figure out exactly what went into this powder back in 1982. Sadly, as amazing as it sounds, it’s just tetrodotoxin, and datura. At least you can say zombies…. in a sense…. exist somewhere in the world.

 

The change to end all changes

George A. Romero. The man who brought zombies into the spotlight. His film ‘Night of the Living Dead’ transformed the zombie into a truly terrifying entity. He introduced the staple of modern American horror films. He really really really really really really really did a good thing.

 

Modern day zombies

Not many changes have been made since Romero’s masterpiece. Faster zombies are the only noteworthy change seen among modern zombie culture. So…. moving on.

 

In closing on zombies

The history of the zombie isn’t very flashy, fancy, or all that amazing. The progression of the zombie over time isn’t spectacular. Hell, the zombie really hasn’t changed at all since it’s inception. My intent with this article, was to compare the history of the vampire and the zombie. I feel that I have done that, and done it well. But clearly, zombies win over vampires every time. Maybe if Twilight had stayed inside Stephanie Meyers’ unimaginative head, vampires would stand a chance against zombies, but zombies are the staple of American horror. Zombies reign supreme, because nothing else can measure up to their short, but never changing history. Vampires have changed several times over the years. Things have been added, beefed up, and slapped on to make vampires more appealing. Zombies never needed that, and never will need that. Hopefully you will read this and gain something from it…. At least a true history of vampires. Not the standard ‘Transylvania, garlic, crosses, castle’ bullshit history, because come on people… that is just fucking stupid. The interesting aspects of vampires come from their ancient roots, not the their post Dracula person. Oh yeah… uh… zombies are possible. Vampires are not. Unless you put glitter on yourself and go suck a cock I suppose.

 

Sources

Wikipedia

Spark Notes

Also, you all should visit The Zombie Research Society